a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
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Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
Some days when I think back on music from the late 90’s I often get a little blue da ba dee da ba die..
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
Well played, Sky Comedy. Well played.
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
her: any weird habits?
me: i switch words at inconvenient times
priest: do you take this woman to be your wife?
me: do i
*Stubs cigarette out in palm to look tough*
*waits till everyone leaves*
*takes out cell phone*
Please send all your ambulances
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.