@Henry_3k

You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.

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@minkpinkustink

a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week

@sixfootcandy

Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.

Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.

@Phook75

Some days when I think back on music from the late 90’s I often get a little blue da ba dee da ba die..

@iRowlf

Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.

@Rollmaninoz

Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)

@UnFitz

Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”

I still have no idea when to iron that thing.

@justjohnselby

[first date]

her: any weird habits?

me: i switch words at inconvenient times

[our wedding]

priest: do you take this woman to be your wife?

me: do i

@eeethanford

*Stubs cigarette out in palm to look tough*
*waits till everyone leaves*
*takes out cell phone*
Hello 911?
Please send all your ambulances

@dhumann

If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.