You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
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I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
can’t wait til they legalize outside
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.