YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
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The opposite of Iceland is water water
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.