How does a Ninja attack a pig?
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
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CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
havent had sex in so long my clitoris is clitorwas
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
Don’t waste your time going to the library looking for books on suicide….. no one ever brings them back.
*eats only grass-fed donuts
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
DRIVING ON HIGHWAY
Wife: You just missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you just MRS right.