You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
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I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
That’s a good costume, I hope.
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”