@iAmDelFreaky

You’d be surprised how many strangers will let you hug them when you approach with open arms & a big smile.

None. I’ve been stabbed 3 times

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@shutupmikeginn

Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.

@justabloodygame

Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.

@david8hughes

[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”

@PhilJamesson

Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate

@wendchymes

Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!

@jdforshort

Apparently it’s frowned upon to wipe sweat from the brow of a sexy guy at the gym

Who knew

@_coryrichardson

me: [handing back newborn son] idk man his vibe is off

doctor: what

me: im not vibing with this baby man

doctor: *to my wife* is he being serious

my wife: your vibe is kinda off too man idk

@juliussharpe

If Mary Poppins floated in on an umbrella today, they’d shoot her out of the sky with a drone.

@TheTweetOfGod

Yes, other people are stupid. But to everyone but you, you are one of those other people.