Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
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they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.