@LoveNLunchmeat

You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.

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@heymonroe

Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.

@i_love_fudge

Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.

@Swoosh61

[First day as a personal chef]

How do you take your poptart?

@BobTheSuit

Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.

@skickwriter

Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.

Female judge: Case dismissed!

@GrantTanaka

Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child

@MarfSalvador

[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?

@Parentpains

According to the police report, waking up in your lover’s arms is only romantic when they know how you got in their house.

@AnniemuMary

Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.

@peachesanscream

My nephew told me all he wants for Christmas is his dead dog back. Can’t WAIT to see his face when I wrap it up and stick it under the tree.