You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
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Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
Me trying to reach for my goals
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
🚲+physics = winner
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches