Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
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Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
According to the police report, waking up in your lover’s arms is only romantic when they know how you got in their house.
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
My nephew told me all he wants for Christmas is his dead dog back. Can’t WAIT to see his face when I wrap it up and stick it under the tree.