The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
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Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.