You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
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Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone