Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
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literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*