You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
You Might Also Like
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
my friends when i can’t do basic math
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.