You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
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We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
Love this guy
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.