You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
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[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
Stop being racist to kettles.
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
umm…
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
I WON A HAM TODAY
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message