@wolfpupy

you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.

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@undonestar

Sorry you got offended that I pre-sold tickets to your funeral.

@rotusbrossum

Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.

@LosLos__

Me: Gonna go see Gym.

Friend: You mean go to the gym?

Me: No, Gym is Geoff’s brother.

@wolfpupy

if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank

@PatsATweetin

me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?

friend: lawn mower?

me: no, i want lawn lesser.

@daemonic3

cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55

me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha

cop: sure whatever

[later in traffic court]

judge: how were you going 420 in a 55

@UncleBob56

Her: I don’t recognize you’re accent.

Me: *swallows* It’s donut.

@PaulyPeligroso

You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*

@elspetheastman

Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted

@AndRyanTF

GF – What’s that beeping?
Me – Fasten Seatbelt Alarm.
GF – How can you ignore something so annoying?

Me – Huh?