@wolfpupy

you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.

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@theevilwriter

Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.

@MarkAFuqua_Hunt

Hotel beds are often all the proof I need that Satan owns a mattress factory.

@aka_fatman

*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.

@corysnearowski

My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving

@gerryhallcomedy

My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.

Breakfast is weird at my house.

@Hobo_Splendido

The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.

@PleaseBeGneiss

[paleontology class]

PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?

STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?

PROFESSOR: bingo!

STUDENT: *smug look*

PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous