Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
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Hotel beds are often all the proof I need that Satan owns a mattress factory.
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.