They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
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When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
Great game to play with friends
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.