You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
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asking santa clause for nudes
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
Deer are just ballerina dogs
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
liiiiiiiiike
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.