I told an ex of mine that i wished she was more punctual. So, from then on, she added !!!!!!! to every text. I have picked some winners.
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
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cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
Am I the only one who whispers “Get a job” into the baby monitor?
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
What did the taxi driver say to the wolf?
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
Shia Labeouf always looks like he’s trying to teach math after someone just waved smelling salts under his nose.
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive