@GingerAtLaw

You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor

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@bkdcasey

I told an ex of mine that i wished she was more punctual. So, from then on, she added !!!!!!! to every text. I have picked some winners.

@QwertyJones3

Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.

Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!

@YSylon

Am I the only one who whispers “Get a job” into the baby monitor?

@Book_Krazy

Batman: Why so down?

Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.

*[Jesus enters]

Aquaman: Dammit!

@Darlainky

I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.

@racheltacobell

the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/

@jergarl

Shia Labeouf always looks like he’s trying to teach math after someone just waved smelling salts under his nose.

@weirdralph

BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive