Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
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I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up