@ventivodkacran

You’d think these people on Grey’s Anatomy would’ve already figured out that a major disaster is going to happen every year around May.

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@WittySassBasket

To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.

@IamEveryDayPpl

Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”

Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”

@WickedCynic

Autocorrect changed “meeting” to “mating” and now my boss and I aren’t meeting with Bob after work.

@iGreenMonk

Annoucement: At my funeral, all my tweets shall be recited. I will then haunt whomever leaves first, demanding honest feedback for eternity.

@KMDrunner

Any time I see a pic of Princess Leia’s hair I get a craving for a cinnabon

@PaperWash

Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious

@

a:1:{s:7:”retweet”;i:1;}

@daplusk

[on 1st date]
Me: Have you ever flown to Paris on a private jet before?
Her: No, I’d love to
Me: Same
Me: *shows photo of cat* this is Tim

@daddydoubts

The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.

His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.