To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
You’d think these people on Grey’s Anatomy would’ve already figured out that a major disaster is going to happen every year around May.
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Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”
Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
Autocorrect changed “meeting” to “mating” and now my boss and I aren’t meeting with Bob after work.
Annoucement: At my funeral, all my tweets shall be recited. I will then haunt whomever leaves first, demanding honest feedback for eternity.
Any time I see a pic of Princess Leia’s hair I get a craving for a cinnabon
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
[on 1st date]
Me: Have you ever flown to Paris on a private jet before?
Her: No, I’d love to
Me: *shows photo of cat* this is Tim
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.