“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
You Might Also Like
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…