You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
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A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
🤣🤣🤣
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.