[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
You Might Also Like
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
Bootstraps
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.