You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
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me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
Self-cleaning conscience
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.