You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
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SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.