absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
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My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man