*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
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If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
Always a housemaid, never a house.
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”