You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
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avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
I can’t deal with men any longer
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”