‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
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My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man