I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
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Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.