Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
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Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am: