You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
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My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
fourth time’s the charm
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals