“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
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I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.