You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
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How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
Jurassic park gets weird
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness