You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.

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6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.

That stung.


i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes


Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.


I don’t understand people with anchor tattoos that say, “I refuse to sink.” It’s a damn anchor! It’s supposed to sink! What am I missing?


My phone just sent me an unsolicited hockey score. Aren’t there Japanese horror films that start this way?


Every gift from a child is special. Except for this, pine cone #763. I could really do without that.


wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!