You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
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Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.