If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
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You can tell a lot about a person by judging them.
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
her: i love mysterious guys
me: [in the bushes] good
Honey can you pick up some bananas, melons, peaches, eggplants and clams at the Innuendo Market?
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
*First day in group therapy*
Counselor: Dave, do you have anything to share?
Me: *puts Doritos back under chair*
No, no I do not.
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
Life is like a box of chocolates. I don’t have a box of chocolates.