You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.

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If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.


The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.


[first date]

her: i love mysterious guys

him: good

me: [in the bushes] good


Honey can you pick up some bananas, melons, peaches, eggplants and clams at the Innuendo Market?


English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language


*First day in group therapy*

Counselor: Dave, do you have anything to share?

Me: *puts Doritos back under chair*

No, no I do not.


“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”

– oscillating fans


Life is like a box of chocolates. I don’t have a box of chocolates.