@aardvarsk

“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone

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@DepressedDarth

That awkward moment when your stormtrooper army loses a battle to a bunch of teddy bears with sticks and stones.

@shutupmikeginn

Me:I think I just saw the main guy from Transformers you know, ol’ what’s his name
Friend: Shia Lebouff
Me: Yeah, the one whose a truck

@ddsmidt

Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.

@Overdue_Bills

Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.

@YeahDrewisOn

Sure he’s handsome, funny, smart, charming and successful, but can he fit 54 M&M’s in his mouth at once?

I didn’ fink fo

@chuuew

NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.

@FunnyMojoJojo

Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…

@LifeUnPinterest

My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.

@mrjohndarby

Me: I’d like to see your music zebras

Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day