We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
Die mends are forever.
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
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Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
[getting a massage]
MASSEUSE: You have sensitive skin
SKIN: What is THAT supposed to mean
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Boredom is the leading cause of pregnancy.
Unless you’re on Twitter 24/7. Then it becomes the leading form of birth control.