@aardvarsk

“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone

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@notalogin

We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.

@AngelaEhh

Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.

Don’t do that.

@NicestHippo

[getting a massage]

MASSEUSE: You have sensitive skin

SKIN: What is THAT supposed to mean

@JB4Realz

HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)

@simoncholland

Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.

@DaddyJew

The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired

@Reverend_Scott

CAT 911: What’s your emer-

CAT: THE PERSON PET ME

CAT 911: What were you doing?

CAT: SLEEPING

CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE

CAT: I HATE PEOPLE

@3sunzzz

Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!

Me: ah, the irony

Friend: What?!

Me: What?

@MarcusOreally

Boredom is the leading cause of pregnancy.

Unless you’re on Twitter 24/7. Then it becomes the leading form of birth control.