You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
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judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.