invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
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Vodka…deleting memories since…uhh…
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.