Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
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Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.