Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
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[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
Waiting for the Charmin
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
incredible book dedication