Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
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I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭