Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*

Mom: what was that?!

God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*

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Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?


My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.


Drunk me used to set a “Mystery Alarm” on my phone to pop up and confuse daytime sober me


I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.


How to Be a Librarian:

1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH


“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”

– Kids


I like birthdays, but I think too many can kill you.


imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you


I never pay for pizza delivery. I always just say something weird like “I got this for us,” & before I know it, they’re speeding away.


[ first day of engineer school ]

teacher: and what don’t we call them

me: choo choos

teacher: [nodding] choo choos