@dorkwing_duck

Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*

Mom: what was that?!

God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*

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@joshgondelman

Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?

@simoncholland

My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.

@ImaFlyontheWall

Drunk me used to set a “Mystery Alarm” on my phone to pop up and confuse daytime sober me

@Dawn_M_

I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.

@fro_vo

How to Be a Librarian:

1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH

@ramblinma

“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”

– Kids

@goofyrice

I like birthdays, but I think too many can kill you.

@torahhorse

imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you

@liv_thatsme

I never pay for pizza delivery. I always just say something weird like “I got this for us,” & before I know it, they’re speeding away.

@FredTaming

[ first day of engineer school ]

teacher: and what don’t we call them

me: choo choos

teacher: [nodding] choo choos