I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
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I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.