*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
Young MacDonald had a farm,
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
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Instagram is down! I’m freaking out! What are you people eating? How are your pets? What the hell is happening???
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
“My date took me to a nice restaurant. Our server leaned in to me and said, “You’re the third one this week”
Gonna start wearing exclusively white jeans. With lots of zippers on them. No pockets, just so many zippers.
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.