@TheToddWilliams

Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.

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@debon7

*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*

@theyearofelan

Instagram is down! I’m freaking out! What are you people eating? How are your pets? What the hell is happening???

@OhNoSheTwitnt

“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.

@heykarlin

I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.

@0point5twins

“Is that your dog?”

“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”

@FirstDateStory

“My date took me to a nice restaurant. Our server leaned in to me and said, “You’re the third one this week”

@_steamy_mac

Gonna start wearing exclusively white jeans. With lots of zippers on them. No pockets, just so many zippers.

@ericsshadow

My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.

@jackiembouvier

Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!

@WheelTod

Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.