Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
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*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Flowers bee like
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
I put the p in pants.
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
This has made my week.
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show