Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
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Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
I’m sorry…what?
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Peter Parker Peter Driver