*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
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not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.