Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
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Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
this is how life feels
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.