*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
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i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh