Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
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Are people in Canada allowed to go oat and aboat yet?
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
I save an average of $5 per tank of gas by filling up at Costco. I’ll have enough saved to buy a house in about 1,200 years.
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
Prince: should I use a ladder or your hair to climb up to you?
Rapunzel: DO NOT USE THE LATTER!!!
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.