Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.

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Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?

Astronomer: No, comet.


[Batman Begins]

BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think

ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce


There are two types of people in this world:

1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once



I save an average of $5 per tank of gas by filling up at Costco. I’ll have enough saved to buy a house in about 1,200 years.


Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues


Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?

Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.


Prince: should I use a ladder or your hair to climb up to you?



Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.