Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
You Might Also Like
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
also my go-to takeaway order
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
marvel comics have peaked
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?