I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
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*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.