Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
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My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.