Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
You Might Also Like
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.