Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
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“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
favorite tropes as memes
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
operators are standing by to ignore your call
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.