your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
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When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
Hey i am sexy to you now
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.