There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
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Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
Lucky for them, they’re cute
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday