Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
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Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
Tuesday
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
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HEYYYY MACARENA